Old Miss Take

Anybody catch the debate last night? Anybody watch it all the way to the end? Or did you quit when Jim Lehrer wet his pants and had to be sent home?

Never have I seen such a display of juvenilia as Mr. Lehrer put on when the two contestants refused to follow his orders. Which were, Okay, Gentlemen, I want you to pull down your pants and fuck each other. Right there on stage so we can all watch. Each other! Not me! Not the audience! Each other. That’s what’s in my plan. Face to face. No mean feat, and the contestants declined. They continued to ignore each other, except for once or twice when John McCain actually tried to say some words directly to Mr. Obama, and Mr. Lehrer said, “No, no, sorry, time for another question.”

The man should be put out to pasture in the block corner. He was two pees short of a tantrum. For over half the debate, the players refused to obey. But did he take the hint? Did he give up? Did he hope that we would forget that his game plan wasn’t happening? No. Before every question he instructed – not like a kindergarten teacher, but like a sub who doesn’t know kids – “Address your answer to your opponent!” “Talk to each other, not to me!” Face him, not the camera! Spar with each other! That’s what I promised! That sound you hear is the moderator stamping his feet and pounding his podium.

Not that we should have been watching in the first place. Do you know, Ladies and Gentlemen, that this debate was scheduled to be about National Security and Foreign Policy? Well, it was. But the media felt that we had to discuss the financial crisis because that’s what’s on all our one-track-at-a-time minds.

Mr. Lehrer actually said that the debate was supposed to be about foreign policy and national security, which, get this folks, get this, BY DEFINITION includes the global financial crisis. They must have said to each other, over at the commission, “Hey, we’ll just use the word global and tell them by definition it fits, and they’re such jerks, they’ll believe us.” Well, you may be such a jerk, but I’m not.

What’s more, nothing global was mentioned. We went right to tax cuts, health care, and the price of diapers. Which should interest Mr. Lehrer.

It might not have been so bad, or so blatant, if they’d tacked it onto the end of the foreign policy/national security segment, but instead, rubbing his hands together, not wasting a minute, Mr. Lehrer, thinking he had all the power in the world to direct the debaters, demanded that each of them declare how they were going to vote on the financial bailout bill. Well, folks, there is no financial bailout bill yet. That’s what McCain went back to Washington to see about. There was nothing to answer, and the candidates politely ignored him. Seven or eight times at least, as he kept coming back and saying, “I’ll ask that first question again. I still have this turd inside me that won’t come out. I’ll try one more time.”

Two or three times, he screamed at them, “Tell, me. How are you going to adjust your programs to deal with the financial crisis?” Well, man, they’re politicians. They answered around his question, agreeing with him that of course something would have to change, but never saying what.

Finally, I do believe someone informed him there was no bill, and he stopped and at the tail end of the debate, finally got onto foreign policy, after most of the audience was either asleep or at the kitchen table discussing what to do about him – nursing home or assisted living.

Did the candidates say anything? No. Nothing. No thing. Not a thing. That you haven’t heard before. The war’s no issue anymore, we’re coming home and we’re staying. Both. Everybody knows that by now. Each party blames the financial crisis on the other party. It happened on George Bush’s watch, but was the result of Clinton era support of the Fanny and Freddy funnel of funds to the financially impaired. It’s hard to untangle by now, and maybe in our own best interest, we shouldn’t try. One thing has become clear. They’re in it together. They’ve all got their fingers in the pie, and they deserve to, because they all helped bake it. If it’s gone bad, they ought to dispose of it together and stop pretending the other guy made it.

Eisenhower warned us about the Military/Industrial complex. That’s nothing compared to the Legislative/Corporate complex. Which may be why Congress’s approval rating is lower than George Bush’s. You didn’t think anything could be lower than the sewer, did you? But they are. And you’re going to bring them back again next year, for some reason that’s hard to fathom. I suppose it’s along the line of people not minding the smell of their own waste products. I promised I wouldn’t say that other word.

And these two people we have to choose from? They are both from that sub-sewer. Two of the people who make the laws we don’t like, who tell us what to do instead of the other way around.

They’re called “public servants”, but they're taking over, guys. They want to buy a big share of America and make Uncle Sam the national landlord. We’re all going to live in one big government housing project. All you get to pick is which one leads you on your leash, straight to their big pile of dog-do where you can put in your two “scents.”

But stay tuned folks, there’s more coming from the top dogs. It would be in your best interest to hold your nose. How about another trillion to buy up the auto loans that men are tired of paying on their gas guzzlers? Or maybe ten trillion to assume the credit card debt of women who can’t stay away from the shopping channel?

Pretty hefty items they're adding to our tab. And I see the waiter coming! Buddy, can you spare a dime?

Thirty

This post is dedicated to any of you who might be celebrating your thirtieth birthday today. The big Three Oh. The dreaded 30. The end of childhood, the beginning of being an adult. No more excuses, you’re only looked upon as a kid if you still look like one. Give it up, brother. Or sister. You’re on your own now. Nobody’s covering for you.

But there’s a bright note, all you new grown-ups. Welcome to the Republican party. That’s what happens, you know. You wake up one morning on the dot of thirty and you realize you have something to lose. Something you’ve been accumulating all your life. Your wealth, your self-respect, your confidence in your ability to earn, and you want to protect that. Don’t be glum, it happens to the best of us.

It happened to me. I know you’ll find this hard to believe, but I was born a Democrat. My lovely lady from California said that I must have had a strange mother. And indeed I did. My mother was one train stop short of a cell meeting. And I was her student. Not just in politics, but in sensibilities. I was the only boy on the hill who didn’t hunt or fish. That’s how I learned to fight. My mother hated it, but I had to defend myself. I was surrounded by Republicans and all they stand for – Bibles, guns, fishing rods… all the paraphernalia. But I spurned it. I clung to my mama’s socialist apron strings. That’s what we called Liberals in those days. Socialists.

But I grew out of it, and here I am, to welcome you to the club. As a Republican, you’re not doing too well right now, and I’m sorry. You’ve lost a lot of money in the financial meltdown. It’s especially sad for you because just yesterday, as a Democrat, you must have been rejoicing. You got what you want. The come-uppance of all those rich bastards who cheat their way into billions on Wall Street. Wall comes tumbling down. And there you stand, a new, wet-behind-the-ears-Republican, who doesn’t know how to get out of the way.

But listen…at least you’re not Black. How do I know you’re not Black? Black is not in my Demographic. You guys are Libs. The Blacks are plain old Dems. You’re not in the same club, people. You don’t read the same mags, listen to the same music, go to the same churches, or read the same blogs.

If you were Black, you would be getting the short end of socialism as we have it in the USA. The Blacks are being robbed blind by Social Security. Blacks on the average don’t live as long as Whites. Yet they have to pay into the system for as long as the Whites do. Then the Blacks die, and all over Florida, the Whites are left walking from their condos, down to the main drags, to collect their checks and their ice cream cones.

So be thankful that you’re now an old white guy. Well, not so old. Wait till you’re forty. I hear in California they tell death jokes on your fortieth birthday. But they live fast in California, and they burn out in the sun.

When you woke up thirty this morning, I’m sure your first thought was that the goddam government has ruined the country. Fiddled with Wall Street in such stupid ways – how did Fanny ever get her fat ass on the government payroll? And where the fuck did Freddy come from? He just popped out of the box behind Fanny, like Ken popped out behind Barbie.

While you were brushing your teeth, I know you were gnashing them over the fool Fed rules that forced mortgages on the impoverished – people with no money to pay them back. They probably always knew that when the bubble burst they could lay the tab on you.

As a Republican, I’m sure your stomach was tied in a knot over breakfast at the thought that FedGov has nationalized Wall Street. Not like soldiers, with guns, but like mommies with sponges. “Oh, poor baby, what a mess you made. Let’s just take those graham crackers and marshmallows away from you. Mommy will make the smores. You sit over there and wait till she serves them. Don’t worry, Mommy will clean it all up. Oh, and don’t go into the kitchen anymore. If you want anything, ask Mommy. She’ll make it for you.”

Or, after you went up on the curb and hit that mailbox, “Okay, kid, you messed up with the car. If you have to go anyplace, ask me. I’ll take you.” So you handed over the keys. They were a little heavy to carry anyway.

You could accept that before, but now you’re in charge of your own life. You, baby, not the man in the moon, YOU. You want a government that recognizes that – a government that takes care of things, without running your life.

Today, if anyone hands you a fluffy, frilly, touchy-feely party hat, decline it in favor of a thinking cap. You now belong to the party of thought. Congratulations and have a very happy birthday. You can treat yourself to a fine time out – you’re a Republican now.

Understudy Under Study

Well, folks, I have just watched Sarah Palin being interviewed by Sean Hannity (part 2). I have not yet managed to catch up with Gibson’s interview, but now, having heard this, I’m sure you’re right – it must have been bad. I read that Gibson sounded like an impatient teacher. Sean sounded like a teacher putting words in a pet student’s mouth on the oral exam. This wasn’t hardball, it wasn’t even softball. This was T-ball. Her answers air-brushed away all previous mis-speaks, mis-takes, and mis-behaviors. His tone was “There, there, poor girl”, and in the end, he gave her an A and acted like she’d earned it.

When asked by my friend Pat Buchanan, to give his one-word impression, he said he felt she was “authentic.” He added that she thought deeply about the questions. But also, that she answered with alacrity. Sean, baby, wake up! She thought deeply about the answers to your questions weeks ago, and memorized them. When her eyes went up and sideways, she was seeking her memorized answers. Were you looking at her legs? She fooled you.

Though she didn’t please me, her answers did. She grew up in a house that sounds reasonably enlightened. Her father was a science teacher. She would never shove her faith down anyone else’s throat. An ugly image. But this was one of Hannity’s hand-outs. In a reassuring voice, he had said, “You don’t want to teach only Creationism in the schools, do you?” To which we got the above science answer. But did anybody catch that “only”? The Gov does want to teach Creationism.

And I’m all for it, as long as she teaches Darwinism too. As I’ve said before, they are both religions. Let’s let everybody into the game. In school, all these theories should be considered. That’s how people learn how to think.

Sadly for some, Ms Palin does have “faith”. But don’t we all? In something? Even if it’s faith in yourself, in your ability to get to a goal, in luck? She grew up in Alaska, folks, and she says that means you grow up respecting freedom. That’s what I’m hoping for – a little more respect for freedom, the thing that makes us feel good, that makes us happy, that makes us able to do what we want to do. I put my faith in freedom. Which means I have a higher opinion of mankind than people who want to corral them, and harness them to the means of production.

“Take Barack Obama. He’s a good-looking guy.” But what’s this “universal volunteerism” he’s got in mind for us? Universal means everybody. Volunteer means it’s up to you whether you do it or not. Folks, please … Do you think everybody is going to volunteer for community service of one kind or another? Think of the people you know. Are they all going to volunteer, every last one of them? Voluntarily volunteer? You know they’re not. They’re like you. Their lives are too busy, their schedules too full.

So how is he going to do it? I’ll tell you how: by making you an offer you can’t refuse. Such as, “Do this, and I’ll send you to college.” Not too bad, but how about, “Do this and you’ll be able to get food stamps. Otherswise, sorry.” Hmmm. Starts to sound a bit like slavery. It’s coming, guys, it’s coming.

But back to the lady. It’s always good to come back to the lady. When Sarah was trying to recall some of the talking points they’d jabbed into her, she sounded like Miss South Carolina. Remember her? She got lost in an answer and regurgitated every platitude she had pushed in when she was preparing for the big moment.

However, Ms Palin left behind the long, rambling, embarassingly pat answers as the interview wound down.

She spoke to Troopergate II. (The original was in Arkansas.) As I see it, she tried to get rid of a guy who deserved getting rid of and she was unable to do it. Cops, wherever they are, are a tight bunch. They protect each other. They’re immune to the people. They’re immune to the governor. She was not able to get the ex-brother-in-law fired, even though, among other things, he’d tasered a kid of his. If he tasered his kid, he could taser you for speeding and trying to explain why. You don’t want this guy to be a state trooper. But she couldn’t get rid of him. He’s still there. Watch out if you ever go north to Alaska.(And anyway, aren’t you libs supposed to be opposed to bad cops being continued on the job?)

I don’t know what there is in this story that would cause such a commotion, except that it’s perhaps all they’ve got against her. I admire her attempt to save other people from her brother-in-law.

I don’t doubt that she tried to get the guy fired. I don’t doubt that she doesn’t approve of some books. I don’t doubt that she’d like to haul federal pork to Alaska. But she did the right thing in the end, and that’s what it’s all about – foregoing your first selfish instinct in face of the people you serve. We all have that selfish inclination no matter how small a voice we’ve reduced it to, no matter how far and deeply we’ve tucked it away. It’s the baby in us. Fighting it is what makes you a man, ladies included. “Growing up” it’s called. It appears that most people who go into political life remain babies forever.

It’s the same old argument, folks. Do we have faith in ourselves, do we want the freedom to take care of ourselves, or do we want our Washington servants to run our lives? Unfortunately, they’re not even our servants. They’ve come to think of themselves as our masters.

If we value freedom, we must avoid the slippery slope to slavery.

That Barack is a community organizer is an important point. That’s his skill. Getting people to do things. I don’t want anybody getting me to do anything. I have enough things of my own to do, and so do all of you. When I want to “do” for somebody else, I want to be the one to pick the who, what, when, where, and why of it.

So hate me folks, I don’t want you telling me what to do. Not even the long way around, through Barack. I’m looking at the candidates as people now. Who they are. Barack has been embroiled in the seamy side of inner-city politics, in the most notoriously political city of them all. Palin has breathed the fresh, wild air of Alaska. She knows how to defend herself against encroachment. She fights it off in her office with the same determination she would fight off wolves circling in on her campsite.

Hey! You say. This election isn’t between Obama and Palin. It’s between Obama and McCain.

Oh. Pardon me. I got confused. But it’s confusing, you know. Barack behaves like it’s between Obama and Bush. The press acts like it’s between Obama and Palin. All this outrage against Sarah, all those Dems digging for oil in Wasilla. I completely forgot about John McCain.

But if you care about freedom, he’s somebody who knows all about it. By the day and by the year. He knows what it means to be without it. You don’t. Yet.

But let’s not part on that gloomy note. I offer, in the spirit of senseless mirth:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lj3iNxZ8Dww

Fair Game

Folks, I have had an epiphany, whatever that is. I think it’s what I had. I will look it up later. Now I want to tell you about it.

The issues between the candidates are playing out in a peculiar way. It looks like we’re getting the same thing no matter what. Obama says the surge was better than we ever dreamed it could be, and McCain is trading in the Straight Talk Express and getting on the Global Warming Jet.

So the issues don’t matter.

But there is something more important than issues. Fairness. I hate to see unfairness, it … well, if I were a woman, it would make me cry. I’m not, so I just let it tear my gut apart like a man.

I would like to award the presidency to John McCain, because it is only fair. He loves his country, suffered for it, God knows he’s got experience, it’s his turn, he should have had it when we gave it to George Bush. Everybody wanted him, maybe even you.

However, at the end of the four years he claims is all he’ll take, we must not elect Ms Palin, even if she’s next up, and we have learned to love her. We must give it to Hillary because it just isn’t fair not to. She’s qualified, she’s demonstrated she will work her balls off, and she WANTS it, folks, she wants it. She should have had it when she passed the buck to John Kerry. It was a mistake. I say she should have it. Anything else is unfair.

Here is what caused my epiphany. Please put up with the commercial that comes between you and it.

http://www.nbc.com/Saturday_Night_Live/video/clips/palin-hillary-open/656281/

Shove It

I’ve been trying all week to write to you about the Great Divide – how Dems and Reps can’t talk to each other anymore – you know all about it. At the same time I’ve been trying to accommodate all of you who want me to pick on the Reps as much as I do the Dems. And theoretically, I do.

But people! I can’t do it, because every time I start, the Dems outstrip the Reps in the “divisiveness” division. Reps will talk to Dems, but the Dems won’t talk back. They shut up their lips in a tight, tense smile and they do not respond. If forced to, they explode. I’ve seen it over and over again and I can’t get it out of my mind, or my message.

I recently met a woman – a Hillaryite – who found out her lawyer was a Republican and took her business away to somebody else. Nothing had changed about the kind, accommodating gent, except his politics in the eye of the beholder, and that changed everything for her.

Folks, you’re the party of labels. Of stigmatizing, stereotyping, labels. You want to know the kinky little details of the past fornications of every contributor to everybody’s gene pool. Until then, you can’t make a decision on him. Yes, I said him. I’m through with he-sheing. You’re all men to me until you take your pants off. I’m no sexist.

I’m no racist either. But you are. To the nth degree. Yesterday I was threatened with race war if Obama doesn’t win. You know what that makes me want to do? It makes me want to harness up the elephant and go down and vote for his party – the party of racial blindness. The party who has put a Black in the most important post in the United States government, the Secretary of State. And another before her.

I am not responsible for slavery. My ancestors were not responsible for slavery. They were Northerners, a quarter of a million of whom died to free the slaves. You hear that? DIED to free the slaves. I shouldn’t pay reparations, I should get them.

Neither should the Italians, or the Jews or any of the other people that came here long after slavery was abolished, who had no hand in it, nothing to do with it. If you want to go after somebody, how about going after the descendents of the people who captured those primitives and put them in the holds of ships to die disgusting deaths. Let’s find them. I do believe they’re mostly British. You WASPs out there. It’s YOU! Empty your pockets, people, and pay up. Anybody bragging about his early origins is suspect.

Now let’s talk about these poor descendents of the actual persons who were subjected to the pain, the fear, the indignity of everything that went on in the abominable practice of slavery. Who are they? They’re the lucky Africans who aren’t in Africa, but are in the US of A , with every much right to the American dream as anybody else. They’re dictating culture, filling up the broadband with black faces, going to college, winning Oscars, being loved and admired by all. And, oh yes, being Secretaries of State. And, hey, running for President. Have they had to face bigots? Who hasn’t?

And here's a little secret. The survivors of the horrible passage from Africa, the fiendish forced labor, and sub-human living arrangements are stronger, smarter and healthier for the Darwinian culling. The living, so-called African-Americans, are not victims. They have been elevated by brutal historical forces. Check out the NBA.

There are poor people in this country. We can and should take care of them. Does it matter what color their skin is? Apparently, to you, it does. That makes you, not me, a racist.

And now, the worst has happened. If Obama doesn’t become President, what will the world think of us? The Blacks will riot. We’ll have race wars.

Well let me tell you, people, you’re not going to shove a Socialist down my throat no matter how much I love chocolate. I’m fighting back. Harder, because you threatened me. You threatened me with race war if I don’t vote your way. Well fuck that. In the words of our cowboy President, “Bring it on!”

A man of the land, who never votes, said to me, “Guess I’m gonna have to go out and vote for the old, white guy.” He doesn’t take kindly to being threatened. And neither do I, folks.

It would be nice if we could elect a Black because he was the best man for the job, but it would not be nice to elect one just because he’s black.

I do not want Barack Obama to be president, even though he’s black and beautiful, because he is also a Socialist. I don’t want universal health insurance. Universal health care I’m all for. Take care of sick people at the door. Don’t throw away money on elderly Jews who go to the doctor eight days a week because it’s free, and swallow a ton of poison because it’s subsidized. Don’t make me pay for somebody else’s fertility problems after they've aborted healthy babies back when they were fit. Forget about my shelling out for sex-change operations for criminals. Everybody is not entitled to, nor does everybody need, everything everybody else does. Take a little time to sort it out. But no, that’s not the Socialist way. The Socialist way is “mow ’em all down at once. It’s cheaper that way. You get a lot of stuff you don’t want, but that’s how we deal with vast numbers.”

I don’t want everyone to be forced to go to college because that’s the way we teach reading now. If you want to learn some serious science or get a so-called liberal arts education you’ll have to wait till you're thirty in a post-post-graduate situation.

I don’t want to sign myself over to the UN or any of the other thug organizations Barack thinks were ordained by God.

And you know what, guys? I don’t want to suddenly be swamped by a disproportionate number of people trying to do something for “their people” instead of for all of us. We’re all supposed to be their people, but I see that’s not how you see it.

When I asked a Liberal once, why Bush didn’t get credit for Condoleeza Rice, he said, “What has she done for her people?” Folks, I found that infuriating. Condoleeza Rice thinks that I, myself, am her people, just as much as the Black guy down the block. That’s America.

I have plenty against the Republicans. They’re stupid. They won’t take up weapons against their own. Instead, they try to appease them. They gave away the store to get Dems on their side.

You don’t hear Republicans saying they won’t buy from Democrats. It’s un-American. Republicans are too polite. It’s unsportsmanlike.

When Republicans tell the truth you claim they’re talking dirty. They’re talking dirty if they say BO has no experience, if they say he’s got radical friends, if they say he went to a church that spewed hatred. I say that every time the Democrats put up an ad that pictures McCain and Bush, the Republicans should put up an ad featuring Barack and the Reverend. That, is what I call fair.

Democrats, on campuses, on highways, and in towns, tear down Republican signs. Republicans do not tear down Democratic signs. And you know goddam well how the liberal students of America treat conservative visitors to their campuses. I suppose that’s because they know they are right, and are therefore immune from the laws of decency, of courtesy, and even of our land.

The Republicans have ruined this country with eight years of compromising, or worse, giving in to, the Democrats. Barack wants to reach across the aisle and grab the Republicans kicking and screaming, back across it and into his cell meeting. There’s no compromise. There isn’t even any acknowledgment of another valid position. In other words, he’s just like you, my sweet Demographic. He’ll get together with them for the Photo Op, to prove how open-minded he is, but that’s it. Just like you. He’s not interested in conversation. Let’s eat and get out of here. These Republicans have a funny smell.

People! Can’t you think for yourselves? Is there absolutely nothing you find wrong with the world Barack Obama wants for us? Nothing? Is there nothing about the notion of freedom that you like? Cornell, my alma mater, used to have written on our student ID cards, the words, “Freedom with Responsibility.” You guys have taken the freedom out of it and only want to deal with the reponsiblity. Worse, you feel responsible for everything, even for what God hath wrought.

And you want me to feel responsible for the inconvenient truth that Islamic Militants have declared war on my country and have announced their desire to kill us all. That’s supposed to be my fault, so I ought to go on bended knee and apologize.

Barack thinks AchMyDinnerJacket is his friend. Well, he may be Barry’s friend, I wouldn’t doubt it, but he’s not mine. I want to squash the little bugger, not buy him dinner. He’s demonstrated how good his word is, over and over again, and you still want to talk? He laughs at you. Sure he wants Barack in power. He sees he’s a simpleton.

Ooops. I just felt a lightening of the load as more or you clicked away. No, I don’t think Barry’s dumb. I think he’s got quite a grasp of Chicago politics. But I don’t think it translates.

And I’m not sure Barry wants it to translate. Maybe he wants to be one of the players, just like he was in Chicago, reaping the benefits. “I’ll make a deal with you Achy, you get this, I get that. The American people? Don’t worry about them. I can take care of them.” Barack is a worldist. He’d prefer being president of the world to being president of just one section of it. A section he’s not particularly attached to, having, as he says, such international roots (Was he really born in Hawaii or was it perhaps a little off-shore?) and experiences growing up. He feels himself a citizen of the world. I want a citizen of my country, because I think I need protection from the world. America, since her birth, has always been better than the world. Hear that, you self-deprecating worms? Your country is, and always was, better than any other country on Earth.

Don’t bother me with your litany of Yankee sins. Or praise of Sweden or Iceland. Iceland has re-authorized the killing of whales. That makes them murderers in my book. America has, at times, sinned. But America is bigger than her flawed components. America is her Constitution – the acknowledged "number one" of civilized and civilizing documents.

You people are like kittens who trust everything, and go out at night and get gobbled up by coyotes. You feel so “nice” inside yourselves, because you’ve talked yourselves into believing it, that you think everybody is just as “nice” inside as you are. Well you better watch out, because it’s true. They’re just as “nice” as you, and you, way deep down, are nowhere near as nice as you think. You’ve got the same balance of good and evil as everybody else. You’ve scrunched your evil down, you think, but it comes out everywhere. Out of your mouth, out of your eyes, out of your skin. You’ve reserved the bad part of you for Republicans. Your wrath is centered soley on them, with the Big Bad Bush as their mascot. You are totally consumed with biting your own tail, part of your own body (politic). Whether you like it or not; these are your countrymen.

Consider, those of you who are still reading, removing all labels, being blind to color except on clothes, and seeing your fellow Americans as they are, perhaps for the first time in your life. Refuse to be a bigot.

Lipstick

I’ve got a lot of people here angry at me for taking notice of a pretty woman. Well, shame on you, especially you gutless men, for not having the balls to come right out and say the girl’s got something. For having to find nothing but fault in the piece of work set before you. And I’ll tell you something, you fuckers, I’ve lost an assignation with a beautiful woman over this, and I don’t take that kindly. What in God’s name is wrong with you folks that you can’t have a moment to see a person without your filters and blinders. Pretend you’re a Republican. Okay, I shouldn’t have said that. Pretend you’re an Independent. See her as she is, not as a target for the ammunition you’re collecting to fire.

I have it easy. As a libertarian, small “l”, I look out for my liberty. Someone wants to take it away, I hit him with all I’ve got, I don’t care what color shirt he has on.

For instance, McCain-Feingold takes away my freedom of speech. I detest John for it. Hear that? Detest him. I detested his immigration plan. I detest his opportunistic embrace of the global warming crowd. I don’t like the way he drops my liberty in the aisle while he’s reaching across it. But my liberty will be worth nothing if I am not protected by my army, which is about the only thing libertarians want to spend collective money on. McCain, because of his personal experience, who he is, how he was brought up, how his upbringing made him feel about America, is programmed to protect me. Obama is programmed to question America, to judge her, find her lacking, and to change her. Well, people, I don’t want America changed. Not by Obama, or McCain. I think as she is, she’s better than any other place on earth where humans have got a foothold. Could America be better? Yes. But not by changing what she is. America can be better by being better at what she is. I don’t like the direction of Obama’s change, and I don’t like the direction of McCain’s change, but Obama wants more of it than McCain.

Sarah Palin, I am hoping, has been programmed to love freedom. I’m going to forgive her for killing innocent animals, because I don’t understand the heart of the so-called sportsman, and I think she is going to defend my liberty. From foreigners, from Democrats, and from Republicans. In Alaska, Republicans were in control, so she fought with Republicans. Now she’s got to fight with you.

If any of you were watching, and I doubt that you were (you’re not allowed to), you heard what she was going to do for you, and then, what she is going to do to you, in order to get into a position where she can do things for you. She went right at Obama, with a sarcastic, smug, smile. A better, more searing sarcastic, smug smile than anybody on the other side can muster, because this lady is tough. This lady said, last night, “I’m a bitch, boys, watch out.” What the hell else do you think that pit-bull message was about? That, you were probably shown. You never saw or heard the sweet stuff that came before and after. You know, folks, you have to go to the original source if you want to be fully informed. If you want to remain ignorant, don’t watch TV at all. If you want to be a dupe, listen only to the soundbites from the newscasts.

The lady is a talented actress. The delivery of “You know the difference between a hockey mom and a pit-bull?” was extraordinary. While we waited for the two inevitable, clevery co-joined phrases to follow, she paused, then pointed to her face and said, “Lipstick.” That was it, ladies and gents, guys and gals, the announcement. Her side loved it, you guys didn’t.

I know you didn’t, because you’re telling me you didn’t, and you don’t like me for liking her. You were waiting for the Republican attack dog, and here she is. You should be able to appreciate her as an excellent specimen of the human animal. Just the way we all appreciate Obama: a handsome, winsome man and an awesome orator.

You didn’t like her attack. But you know what? I listened closely, and there is nothing but truth in it. Send me one thing she said that was not true. You can still see the speech, it’s all over the Internet. You can bombard me with the lies she told. But make sure they’re lies, will you? Not truths you don’t like that you call lies.

You didn’t vet your candidate and John McCain didn’t vet his veep. The secrets are coming out, and guess what: Palin’s picadillos up at the Arctic Circle seem to be nothing compared to Barack’s dirty business in the Second City. So the media had a field day with her daughter.

What’s happened, people, is that the losing side, who’d been sitting at home with their heads hanging because they had an old man who was once a war hero competing against a youthful god, woke up! You should too. Check her out, guys: replace those glasses with a tiara, put her in that red and gold corset with that blue, star-studded bottom, and who do you have? Wonder Woman! Wow! Wow!


You Dems are fucking mad. God is supposed to be on your side. He sent down Obama to deliver us from Bush’s bondage. And now this? Well I warned you folks, you really ought to read the Old Testament. God’s a tricky bastard. When his people go astray, he makes deals with their enemies to teach them a lesson.

And what’s this lesson about? It’s about idolatry. You’ve been worshipping a golden calf, so he’s given your enemy a champion, to open your eyes.

And as for you, little lady, you can wait at the Beverly Hilton till I’m ready. I’m sniffing after another bitch.

Palintology

Hey folks

Gotcha selves an eyeful! And now, an earful. This lovely lady – lovely lady number 3, or 4 if you count Cindy, which no one does – pulled a rabbit out from under that big head of hair – an unborn grandchild for the electorate to fight about.

We already saw what a good mother this girl will make when we watched her carry her little Down’s syndrome brother onto the stage while mommy (drum roll) accepted her ticket to ride – on the Straight Talk Express. Didn’t we all murmur how sweet she was? Didn’t we all get a good feeling? Even you?

And look how cleverly it was done. Little Trig is a big boy, and he hid his sister’s “mistake.” Which explains why she clung so tightly to him.

So what’s wrong with it? Daughter stays home to take care of her baby and her baby brother. Maybe she doesn’t go to college to be brow-beaten by her peers into learning to do shots in the dorm and to play beer pong. Will her education suffer? Not if she has Google.

Barack has a different attitude. He said if one of his daughters makes a mistake, he doesn’t want her punished with a baby. Bad phrase for a bundle of joy, Barack. The country is in love with babies right now. Everybody’s got one. Or two, or three. America is on a roll.

And might it not perhaps be better to have your first baby when, pardon me, “God” intended it? A nice healthy seventeen-year-old body is less likely to have an “unusual” baby. And these two will be married before the sex is stale. That can create a true and lasting bond.

Surprise of surprises, the women have rallied around Sarah Palin. They sense the enemy moving in and want to know why it is that men aren’t asked, “Can you manage being a father and holding down a job?” Who says a woman can’t take care of her daughter and her grandchild and all the rest of her brood and still have a life? This is the lady who already proved it can be done. She won us over before we even heard of the little grand-bastard.

The Governor looks like an avatar. With those glasses and that hairdo, like a Librarian from Second Life. Not like a woman with real body parts – the Platonic vision of the woman executive.

The men have already taken off those glasses and taken down that hair, and revealed the runner-up in the contest for Miss Alaska. This gal’s got it all. If that’s not enough, she was voted Miss Congeniality. You know women as well as I do, whether you are one, or you’ve had one. Women do not like pretty women. Pretty women, especially, do not like other pretty women. The phrase they use when confronted with one is, “I hate you.” All in jest, of course. So imagine how hard it would be, not for the ugly duckling of the group, but for the second most beautiful, to be voted Miss Congeniality. She must be congenial indeed.

And for the men who won’t vote for a woman? This one is different. This one is not shaking a finger at them. This one is brandishing a gun big enough to hunt a moose. This one is running every morning, not adding a donut to an already big butt like someone else we know and are afraid of. This one can go one-on-one with Obama on a basketball court. This is a woman who can handle anything. Maybe even you.

Ms. Palin has bipartisan appeal. Did you hate the Bridge to Nowhere? Everybody did. That was supposed to be in her state. She turned the earmark down. Said thanks, if we want a bridge, we’ll build it ourselves. When Alaska shared in record oil profits, she sent them back to the people. She fired a government chef, saying she can make her own sandwiches. Got rid of the government limo saying she likes to drive. What did she do with the jet the state had bought and was paying for? Sold it. On e-bay. (And some of you are worried that John can’t use the Internet. As moot a point now as Barack having no foreign policy credentials. They’ve both got Veeps to cover their blind spots.)

There are plenty of women out there who wanted a woman and were willing to take Hillary even though they couldn’t warm up to her. Now they’ve got a woman they like, and a lot of them are willing to by-pass party affiliations for that. All the lady has to do is go easy on abortions. Maybe take them off the table, so to speak.

Barack already has. He’s essentially said, Lay off the baby business. My mother was eighteen when she had me. He didn’t add, but I heard, “Wouldja like it if I’d been aborted? That might have been a bad mistake.” Like Mary aborting Jesus because he had no daddy.

You never know, folks. If you’re looking at more than the present moment, it’s hard to tell right from wrong.

Is this baby a blessing for McCain? Did it win those women? Has he tapped into their primal selves by producing this age-old situation? It seems to have struck a chord. But maybe it’s just Sarah herself. She’s the first of the candidates who has said anything. And that’s because she’s got something to say.

She’s got more executive experience than all the other three put together. They’ve spent their lives debating, collecting facts, taking positions, and defending them. All they’ve done is make laws, and that’s all they think they have to do. Ms. Palin knows better. She’s had to run the show. A big show. A serious show. In the only frontier state we have left. Alaska has the ocean and the oil wells. Her husband works both, for less annual pay, put together, than a worn-down teacher makes. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, the Governor is married to a real man. A man who works with his body as well as his mind. A man some of those men out there – not you – can actually identify with. He is not a lawyer. And neither is his wife.

Sarah Palin has lived most of her life in Alaska, where freedom’s not another word for nothing left to lose. Alaska is a libertarian state. Not that it’s so full of Libertarians, but both the Democrats and the Republicans there understand freedom. The Alaskan conservatives are bigger on personal freedom and the liberals are not so big on big government.

Sarah is someone who has had a life. She is not a career politician. The Democratic party is running two professional politicians. If you’re into change, you have to step away from the parties. McCain has stepped so far away from his that they’ve been bad-mouthing him on talk radio for months. Palin has fought her party and won. These two are as different from their sponsors as they can be and still get counted in the club. If you want more government control over of our lives for the benefit of the fat cats in congress, go with the Democrats. If you want change, here’s the change.

Barack had his big moment in the big arena. It’s all downhill from here. He’s got Resko and the Iraqi billionaire on his program. McCain has a pretty woman who takes on corruption in her own party, who doesn’t give in and can’t be bought off.

Who do you think is going to get a bigger audience in the debates? Obama versus McCain, or Biden versus Palin? I’ll go for the guy and the girl, two people who, if left to their own devices, would tell you the goddam truth. Two people who have remained poor throughout their political lives. Can you imagine how many deals Biden had to turn down to stay pure? How many threats Palin had to ignore to keep going?

Biden would make a great president, and Palin a great Veep. Can’t we skip the main action and go right to Mr. and Ms. Congeniality?