Cagey B.

Beautiful performance, wasn’t it? Beautiful place; even the fireworks were good on-screen. And Barack was magnificent – after he gave you his “narrow message”, which you already knew by heart.

But how many of you, in your ecstasy, were able to read between the lines? Not many, if I know you. And I do. So I’m here to show you where Barack is hiding out on you, so you can get on his tail and find out what his true intentions are.

To begin, he’s going to reward, with lower taxes, the workers and the small businessmen who deserve it. Hear that, guys? Small businessmen. When did they get added? Wasn’t he just for the workers? The small businessmen are the ones who don’t want unions, who don’t like minimum wage, whose fondest hope is to become bigger businessmen. Some of them, in some years, are fortunate enough to fall into the category of the rich. Aren’t those the people who are supposed to be paying more taxes, not less? Barack has been slaloming down a slippery slope and taking you with him. To get the nomination, the slalom was a hard left. To capture the Presidency, it’s a hard right. Will you be able to hang on for the rest of the ride?

In ten years, he’s going to end our dependence on oil from the Middle East. Didn’t the phrase used to be “end our dependence on ‘foreign’ oil”? And wasn’t it, before that, dependence on “fossil fuels”? We’re not being weaned. Barry knows that we’re addicts. We want our oil. We want to guzzle, guzzle, guzzle. And not just in cars, either. How about that ten day cruise to see the wonders of nature? The really efficient QE2 burns 18 tons of fuel per hour. That comes to well over a ton apiece for each of the eighteen hundred guests on an Atlantic crossing.

He’s going to tap our natural gas reserves. Did you hear that? Didn’t you say you don’t want anyone to lay a hand on your planet anymore? What the hell do you think “tap” means? Get out the Novocain. You’re gonna get drilled.

He’s going to give us clean coal technology. Here come the smokestacks, just not quite as black and greasy.

He’s going to find ways to “safely harness nuclear power.” Were you disarmed by the word “safely”? Or is it simply that “nuclear” does not excite the same fear neurons as when the word is pronounced ‘nuke-u-lar’? Baby, you’re being Obamaboozled. You’re getting nukes. You’re getting nukes no matter who gets elected.

In order to provide every child a world-class education, he’s going to make sure every child goes to college. But he’s pulling the wool over your eyes. It isn’t college anymore. It’s only a redefinition of the age at which our students achieve the minimum standard. Everyone is not desirous of “four more years”. Some are not even capable of it. Even now, colleges teach remedial English and remedial math. What they’re trying to remedy is the failure of our high schools. But if you take a peek further back, it fell to the high schools because the elementary schools weren’t getting it done. Ladies and gentlemen, a community college degree is what used to be called a sixth grade education. Barack’s college for everyone will be like finishing the eighth grade.

He’s going to make federal programs cost less. You know what that means? The only way to do that is to fire a whole lot of people. Maybe you. Where’s the commitment to the unions and the working class gone?

“We must keep America’s promise abroad.” Well, what is that promise? A lot of small, helpless countries think that indeed, we are the 911 (no pun intended) of the world. They expect us to come when they cry for help. Barack’s going to do that. He doesn’t like this war in Iraq, but that seems to be the only war he’s got anything against. He’s ready to pour more troops into Afghanistan. A far cry from peace and bringing the boys home. Barack is preparing us for four more years of war. The only “change” is the battlefield.

The Bush administration is all talk on the war on terror. He’s going to do something about it. Sounds like a hawk to me. “I will send our troops into harm’s way with a clear mission…” But he will send them!

He’ll “rebuild the military to meet future conflicts.” The man’s not a fool. He knows there are going to be future conflicts. Do you? Didn’t you think it was going to be pistachio nuts with the Ayatollahs, a cigar with Fidel and Raoul, and vodka shots with Putin? You were banking on Barack to make the lion lie down with the lamb. Ever read the Bible? The old Bible? Here’s a favorite refrain. “Hey, you know those people over the hill who plant and eat and have a lot of stuff because they don’t go to war? Let’s go get ‘em!” Barack’s read the Bible.

“We all put our country first.” You know what that means? You’re going to have to get on board and stop bashing America. I don’t know if you can do it anymore, it’s such a pleasant pastime. But Barack and Michelle are bowing out of the game. Leaving you alone with the tantrums you enjoy so much.

We have to restore our sense of common purpose, he says. Hard to do if you refuse to talk to the other side, and you guys seem very reluctant to reach across the aisle. You’re afraid if you touch a Republican, it might rub off on you.

“We don’t agree on abortion, but …” Isn’t this new? Not so long ago, we had to agree on abortion, or else! And it was supposed to be freely available and federally funded. The sentence ended with “… surely we can agree on reducing the number of unwanted pregnancies in the country.” Hey, that’s what Bush says.

He’s going to uphold the second amendment, which has recently been interpreted as an individual’s right to keep and bear arms. All he’s going to do is keep AK-47’s out of the hands of criminals. This is precisely the NRA position. The laws for keeping AK-47s out of the hands of criminals are already on the books, so all that’s needed is enforcement. Charleton Heston, I am pleased to say, would not be turning over in his grave to hear this news. Barack now supports my right to pack a piece.

Hey, you Gays out there? Did you hear what he said, or were you too busy with your hard-ons? You love him, don’t you? All he’s going to give you is civil amenities, the same as we all have. You can visit your partner in the hospital. You won’t be discriminated against. Neither will you be man and wife.

For immigration, all we have to do is send the babies back home with their mommies, so we don’t have a “mother separated from her infant child.” And, get this – I’m sure you didn’t – he doesn’t want employers undercutting American wages by hiring illegal workers. Bye-bye Nanny, we’re getting an expensive college girl to take care of Baby. And bye-bye gardener, roofer, and lettuce and tomatoes.

He’s going to move people from welfare to work. That means no more slacking off between jobs for you tech people who like to take government supported vacations between gigs. Work is the watchword. Not just for the laid-off factory worker you can’t quite imagine, but you!

“…that American spirit that binds us together in spite of our differences.” You guys are pretty good on black and white, but you stink on Red and Blue. You’re antagonistic, dismissive, or unapproachable. Think about your last encounter with someone on the other side. Either you raised your voice or you never opened your mouth.

“This election has never been about me; it’s about you.” Get that, baby? You’re the one who has to change. You’re the one who has to listen to other points of view instead of closing your ears and spewing rhetoric. You’re the one. He’s a figurehead, that’s all. He’s not going to do it; you are. So let’s see you spin that head of yours around till you can’t see sides, and can only see ideas whizzing by. Grab one of them and see how it grabs you.

No doubt about it, it’s a cagey B. we’ve got. Listen to him closely. Barack’s doing it to you. Like Putin did it to Bush when Bush looked in his heart. He saw what he wanted to see and what Putin wanted him to see. He didn’t see the KGB. And neither do you.