Brown-eyed Handsome Man

Well, goddam if I haven’t finally got the goods on Obama. You people out there have been wondering about the mystery man, wondering why he is the mystery man, wondering why you can’t get a handle on much of what he thinks, considering he’s been in the thinking game for so long. That’s what I now know and am about to tell you.

But I don’t take credit for it. No, none at all. I have to thank an old friend of yours for spilling the beans. A lady, too. As you know, I’m not big on old girls. But I do plug into the Gray Lady, or as they say in Woodstock, the New York Fucking Times, on a regular basis. She doesn’t come to the house – I wouldn’t have her – but we’ve got an arrangement. I’ve invited her to sleep in my Inbox, and when I want her, I just punch her up.

I punched her up yesterday. We had our usual lovely time; she’s quite giving. And here’s what she gave me. Not news, but olds. Olds about Obama.

Barack the Law Professor. Well, not exactly a professor. A lecturer. But what a lecturer. Such a lecturer that they offered him tenure upon hiring if he’d only join the permanent faculty. He wouldn’t. He had bigger things in mind than moldering away in the groves of academe.

And now Ladies and Gentlemen, I want you to hark back more than a year. Can you do it? Can you reach back into the past to when we heard that when Barack was in Kindergarten he said he wanted to be President? People didn’t take too kindly to that. Why not? It sounds admirable. I’ll tell you why not. It creeped them out, that’s why.

Barack the orator didn’t publish when he was at the University. People usually do. He was there for 12 years. My demographic will be happy to hear that he didn’t make any friends among the faculty – a conservative faculty – and here’s more. He didn’t mix it up with them either. He didn’t go to the informal debates; he didn’t put forth his views; nobody knew what they were.

Do you? Really? You thought you did, a while back … not in detail, but who wants details? Well, after a while, you did. So he had his staff write up a bunch of details. So many, you couldn’t even read them. You were satisfied that they were there. Then your man started slipping around, shedding his skins, leaving them behind. And now, you don’t know who the hell he is, do you?

Well, that, folks, is apparently the object and has been all along. He didn’t publish because he’s smart. He’s seen people go down for papers they wrote, and he’s not about to put his Hancock on anything embarrassing. The guy won’t commit himself – even in a Senate vote, whether it’s Illinois or Washington. You can’t call him on anything.

He wowed his students. He was a rock star. More and more people signed up for his classes. And he used those classes, the gray lady whispered in my ear, to develop his political mind. He provoked argument. He made people take a side. But he never did. They didn’t know where he stood. Except on some issues. “His most original course was on racism and law,” my gray lady let drop deliciously into my consciousness.

I stood at attention. I thought Obama wasn’t interested in race. I thought he was beyond race. Why shouldn’t he be? As he said in class, “Take Barack Obama, there’s a good-looking guy.” Good looking in everybody’s eyes, no matter what color, race, religion, or combination thereof they sport. Let’s face it, folks, Barack Obama looks like a grown-up little boy. He’s cute. He’s sweet. He has small, dainty, universal features, like a doll. Barack Obama is no indication that America is ready to have a black man as President. It shows that America loves a model human being who was fortunate enough to get a tan that he never loses.

The only guess his students would make was that he was interested in continuing the cure for racism in America. Well, good for him, I’m all for it, but they also say he’s “willing to look past legal niceties to get results.” Whoa! Maybe you Libs like that, I don’t. I’m a law and order guy. Even if I feel the end justifies the means, I won’t act on it, because that’s getting into the handbasket. So this bothers me.

And why? Because I think Barack has a big agenda. He would not let two Muslims in head scarves sit behind him in a televised speech, and when he apologized he said “We have a very narrow message.”

Hear that, y’all? It’s purposeful. He doesn’t say anything because he doesn’t want you to know anything. He wants to surprise you, after he’s tucked safely into the White House. Have you noticed that you come away from his speeches with only a great feeling? It’s because that's all he gives you. Barack Obama is a clever cookie. He knows that anything he says can get him into trouble. In fact, if you have to say anything, it’s better to contradict it as soon as you reasonably can. Then people can pick whichever one they want. And they will, because they want Barack. They want the brown-eyed handsome man. And they’re going to get him.

I hope you like surprises.