War of the Words

Looks like there’s a little trouble in Pakistan. Who would be willing to go over and talk to them? Let’s have a show of hands. Why there’s Barack Obama, jumping up and down, holding a tiny American flag. Isn’t that the same guy who said he wanted to go over there and talk – to anybody? Send him now! Give peace a chance! Can it get any worse? Put him on the next flight out. It’s an opportunity for him to make up for that 37. If he can pull this off, we’ll know he’s the real thing.

Anybody out there getting a little scared? The Supremes just gave away another shelf in the store. Anyone, anywhere, caught murdering Americans is entitled to a free trial at the expense of those very Americans. They will be shipped to America, courtesy of the same, put up in her finest rest spots (so much better than the best at home) and make the rounds of the Sunday talk shows. If there’s any point of view we want to hear, it’s the point of view of people who want to off us. Perhaps we can change their minds, perhaps they have good reason and we should help, not hinder, their desire to remove us from the face of the earth. Not only turn the other cheek, but hand them a carving knife to go at it.

Nothing to do, I guess, but make sure those guys don’t get here in the first place. Send them to the seventeen virgins (the old girls must be getting kind of tired) on sight. No point bringing them back here – they’ve got lawyers. Anyone who watches television knows that once they’ve got a mouthpiece, their lips are sealed. And there’s no way to pry them open anymore, either. No more “torture.” As if there was “torture.” Come on, guys, you and I (not you Sesame Street youngsters) know what torture is. Torture is the iron maiden. Yeah! I knew you’d remember. Torture is having your finger nails pulled out one by one. Torture is…I won’t go on. It hurts more just to hear it than it does to actually experience what is defined as torture today. There’s a way you can tell if it’s torture. Are you ready? Ready to hear how to tell if you’re being tortured? TORTURE HURTS!

“Hey, I’ve got an idea, let’s put this pair of pink undies with flowers all over them on his head!” “No, No. Not the underpants! Arggggh!”

Come on.

Loud rock music, I can see. That can hurt and could thereby qualify as torture. However, it is a torture that many Americans regularly and voluntarily subject themselves to. They’ll pay to have it done to them.

And what is the biggest, baddest, meanest, worstest torture of them all? Water-boarding! What is it like to be thrown around in the water, dashed by its weight, overpowered by it and smashed against it, swallowing enough to think you’re drowning? Ask any surfer, if you can get him to stop and talk to you while he’s paddling back for more.

It is not fair to change the meaning of words. “Marriage” does not mean “we love each other.” “Rape” is not what happens when the gentleman of that nice high school couple turns eighteen, two months before his girlfriend. And “addicted” doesn’t mean you are overly enthusiastic about something.

These words have meanings. Don’t mess with them. Get your own words.