1 - April Fools

This is a tough time. Jews and Christians have to pretend nothing is wrong, while the Christians are eyeing the Jews to see if they’re up to boiling any babies, and the Jews are watching out for a Christian who might suddenly get it into his head to avenge Christ. Not a nice time of year ecumenically. The Greek and the Romans stick their noses up at each other over the calendar (it’s better than a religious war) and all the little Protestant sects, some of whom despise each other, huddle in their specific houses of worship and do what they think is holy. How many people know that a Protestant is a protester?

Before I start shooting off my mouth, let me remind you: This is my first time through the Bible. I’ve ignored it all my life because I didn’t want anyone to get a foothold in my brain, and that included God. In my house, Jesus did not sit at the head of the table, and I didn’t kneel and say my prayers at night. On Sunday, my mother went to church and Dad and I went to the barn, where we tinkered with machinery. It was pretty much like that all over the hill, except when someone decided to take a turn at preaching – usually someone who’d been bad and had been thinking it over. It’s not the good boys who get a yen to stand in front of everyone and talk the good book, it’s the wicked ones.

For a long time God was remote. Now he’s a major player again. I don’t want to be caught out not knowing who the chap is, so I dug out his bio and started reading. I have to admit, I once thought the Bible had to be a bore. Women read it – and an occasional man who weakened. It’s what Sunday school is all about. How exciting could it be?

The answer is: Very. Very exciting. God is as inventive as a Hollywood producer with a good special effects crew. He’s got all the natural forces at his beck and call. The Earth swallows people up at his command. Fire comes from down from the sky and consumes others who irk him. God is an exacting and satisfying disciplinarian.

That is, the God I am reading about. The God of the Old Testament. The God who said, “Take no prisoners, leave no man, woman, child, cow, goat, or lamb alive. No, wait a second. I like lamb. You can bring the lambs to me. Everything else, destroy by fire.”

Why? Because he’s a jealous God, that’s why. He knows if you bring some cute little bimbo back with you instead of cutting off her pretty head, soon she’ll be crooning to you about Ba’al, or the beautiful grove she worships (God hates groves, and without fail orders them burned.) or some big potent statue in her old home town. How many people know that potentates are potent? Everyone who lives under them, I guess.

So. No mixing and mingling with the natives. You stick ‘em through, or burn ‘em up, whatever is the order of the day, and you come home empty-handed, leading my lambs behind you.

And when I tell you to fight, you fight. You don’t sit around crying,” What are we doing here? In Egypt we had melons,” which I’ve heard you do. Already, Moses is not going to the Promised Land because he took pity on you and bothered me with your complaints. Not once, but twice. Then three times. Third time’s a charm… goodbye Moses.

This is a no-nonsense, intolerant God, but like a strict parent, after the beating, he forgives. The Jews can start all over again. They are, after all, his children. They’re good for a while, then they take to whoring – not after women, but after other gods – and the Lord’s wrath comes down on them again. God’s got a lot in his toolkit. Leprosy, famine, plagues… you name it, the Lord can find it in his little black bag. It’s his medicine for mankind.

Before anybody takes offense, let me say a word to the Jews. This is your God, you knew it all along, or you should have. If they kept it a secret from you and only showed you pictures of David killing Goliath, and didn’t tell you about swooping down on innocent, peaceful towns, it’s time you learned the truth.

And to the Christians? Is this your God or isn’t it? I’d say “No way.” This is not an old man sitting up in heaven shedding tears for his son while watching sparrows drop off the radar screen. But you know him, and I don’t. I’m surprised you want to claim him. He’s not nice. He’s not Christian. Not at all. He’s “Eye for an Eye,” not “Turn the other cheek.” Jesus made that up.

I hope to become better acquainted with this famous father and son team, but I don’t want to get ahead of the story. I don’t necessarily know what happens next, and I don’t want anyone to tell me.

I’ll get there soon enough. Then I’ll be getting on to the Koran, to see who it is you Muslims think is ogling those acres of asses sticking up into the air.

Mormons will have to wait a while longer unless Romney’s poll numbers go up.

Hank Harwood here
April 14, 2007