13 - The Jewel

Interviewing for the job of America’s CEO: Giuliani, the man who ran New York. Plenty of executive experience. Isn’t that what the listing is for? Running the big machine? Go down to Times Square and take a look around. Mickey Mouse, Donald Duck, The Lion King… there are no more perverts in Times Square. No X-rated movies, no creepy little book stores, just animal crackers and Loony Tunes. For this, we have the Jewel to thank. Not everyone is grateful, but everyone’s impressed.

But they’re coming after him with old tabloids full of his personal exploits. Pix in drag, a few ex-wives, a few ex-husbands of the current wife who will be Mrs. America should her Mister make it big. Rudy’s a New Yorker. He’s got a past. Would you want him not to? What kind of fun would that be?

And what does it matter? If I were the Jewel, that’s what I’d say to every last impertinent question. What does it matter? I’ve done what I did, and here I am. Judge the product, not the means of production. The product’s what you’re buying. And this product is an administrator.

Do I believe in abortion? Do I believe in guns? Do I believe in school choice? Do I believe in gay marriage? Do I believe in Santa Claus? What difference does it make? I believe in the Constitution. I don’t have an agenda. I’m not here to do things for myself. The idea of an administrative agenda is offensive.

Wait. There is one thing – and one thing only – on my agenda. As the Commander in Chief I’m here to protect the American people, and that I will do. As you all know. I had a bad experience a few years ago. I don’t want to repeat it.

If I were the Jewel, I’d point out that I’m not a greedy bastard like the rest of them. I have some principles. I turned down ten million Saudi dollars for my city. (Slick Willie took it for his library.)

And I say “No” to money stolen from the American people for the so-called public good. I’m not into getting things done and levying large taxes to do it. If that’s what you want, hire a Pharaoh.

We have to face a few things here in America and honesty is what is needed. I’ve had so many embarrassing things happen to me that, in self-defense, I’ve become a completely honest man. I understand that there’s nowhere to hide, and if you think you’re hiding you’ve probably got your bare ass up against a knot hole.

Eventually, the people see all. There is no point in lying, even omitting. Come clean and get on with it. We have to face our differences in values and own up to our mistakes as often as need be, so we can keep changing, to meet what’s coming down the pike at ninety miles an hour – now.

That’s the sort of thing I’d say if I were the Jewel, and they came after me about my, to some, inglorious past. There’s a job to be done. Give it to a pro.